Quakeweek
August 22, 1997


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Quake 2 Hoax Revealed

id Software's SPA Membership Cancelled

Patent Infringement Claim Filed on id Software

Expose: Quake 2 Beta Conspiracy Revealed

More TCC's Announced

Quake 2's Successor Revealed

TEN Launches 'Quakeworld-Crushing' Strategies

'Quake the Most Popular Mac Game Ever,' MacSoft Says

Unreal Ad Campaign Sparks New Controversy

Exclusive LAN Party for 'L33t' Gamers Only
Carmack Saved from Microsoft 'BackOffice'


id LogoREDMOND, WA (Ben Sargent) - John Carmack of id Software was freed today in a daring rescue from the Microsoft Campus. Carmack, missing for over a week, was found barely alive in a secret underground compound known only as the 'BackOffice.'

Official police reports state that the famed programming genius had last been seen outside of a Dallas-area drag strip, where he was competing in the 'over-$500K' category. Witnesses reported seeing a black limousine swerving through the parking lot, driven by a "geeky-looking dude with a bad haircut." The FBI traced the vehicle to the Microsoft compound, thanks to an anonymous tip to follow a trail of empty milk cartons and Chinese-food containers.

John CarmackIn a press conference held in Dallas, John Carmack narrated his ordeal of being detained in a windowless underground chamber where he was forced to, among other heinous tasks, troubleshoot a Windows NT network with 300 PC's, uninstall DirectX, and write 3-D screen savers for Windows 95.

"I also believe they were trying to get me to switch to Internet Explorer 4.0," added Carmack. "The worst part of it all was when they forced me to try and find something on their website."

A rough sketch of one of the assailantsAccording to Carmack, his captives referred to themselves as 'Assistants,' and were disguised as poor impressions of Albert Einstein, a paper clip, and a dog with a cape. "Often, when I was coding on their 386DX/25's [the minimum recommended system for Windows 95], the Assistants would all stand around the monitor, block important information, and give me useless advice about my programming techniques. My attempts to try and get rid of them were utterly useless."

The rescue saw at least three SWAT Team members seriously injured by a deadly rain of Windows 95 Plus Packs and Game Sampler CD's which were thrown from the hideout. The Assistants were finally forced to surrender when police brought in Steve Jobs, who activated his patented Reality Distortion FieldTM and convinced them to surrender. John Carmack was then released unharmed.

Bill Gates was last seen fleeing for Mexico and could not be reached for comment.