Quakeweek
June 9, 1997


Archives

Quake64 Nears Completion

MPlayer Software Suspected in Plane Crash

Disney Begins Production on Quake! The Animated Movie

Fox Licenses Quake 2 Engine

PointCast Unveils .PlanCast

Nike 'Foxes' AirFist

Carmack Scraps DLLs, Not 'BASIC' Enough

Carmack's Ferrari Made 'Internet-Ready'

id Renews Business Contract

NY's Dept. Of Transportation Eagerly Awaiting Quake Rally
Spacetec Donates 'Real' SpaceOrb 360 to NASA


SPACETEC HQ & CHEESE AGING FACILITY, CA (Fragmaster) - Today, Spacetec IMC Corp. donated a "real" SpaceOrb 360 to NASA, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration.

NASA Logo"NASA was very. . . surprised. . . when we received this real SpaceOrb by winning some sort of contest," NASA Spokesperson Jimmy McFaden told reporters at a recent press conference. "Apparently, it was some sort of promotion. . . . We'll try to put it to good use."

The "real" SpaceOrb is about the size of a space shuttle and houses four astronauts. An anonymous source claimed that it fits "one man, four women and a midget with a camera. If you take out toilet."

NASA thanked Spacetec officials, though it faces some difficulties:

"Well. . . actually. . . we're having a bit of trouble trying to figure out how to operate it," McFaden admitted when asked why the hell they weren't using the damn thing. "Oh, and if I hear one more testicle joke I'm gonna tear out somebody's rectum!"

SpaceOrb 360"How the <CENSORED> do you use this <CENSORED> thing?!?" Astronaut Michael Michum screamed, hopelessly twisting the orbed controls. "<CENSORED> Hillary Clinton!"

According to conspiracy expert Ian Runinouttanames, NASA already conducted a test of the real SpaceOrb and it "really screwed up and blew up near this big hidden supply of nuclear firearms the government keeps and yeah. . . and yeah. . . seven hundred people got killed and YEAH. . . and. . . YEAH!"

At that point he started humming the X-Files theme, and could not be reached for further comment.

According to experts, approximately 3% of Quake players use the SpaceOrb 360 (The mini-version) and approximately 54% of Quakers own one.

We asked 100 SpaceOrb-owning Quake players how they got their SpaceOrb. Here are the results:

64% Won it in a contest
12% Found it on the floor after a LAN party
10% Won it in a goddamn contest
6% Found it in a box of Quaker Jacks
5% Bought it
2% Were too drunk to remember
1% Found it in a deflated Love-Ewe


"I tore that ball thinggy off my SpaceOrb and used it to serve Yoo-Hoo at social engagements." Said one straggly Quake fan who obviously didn't have a social life. "Hey, I'm not a nerd. I'm a. . . computer enthusiast. <snort>"

Spacetec could not be reached for comment as they were in the process of developing a new controller for a fishing simulation.