Quakeweek
September 11, 1997


Archives

AOL Promo Scheme Fails to Generate Interest

Quaker Figures It Out

id Software Accused of Stereotyping Aliens

QuakeRulez Upgrades Its Systems

'Quake Treatment' Used in Obedience Training

morbid Adds 'Pretty Colors' to GLQuake

id Announces New Quake 'Tamagotchis'

Carmack Saved from Microsoft 'BackOffice'

Quake 2 Hoax Revealed

id Software's SPA Membership Cancelled

Dave Perry Patents Himself


Our HeroLAGUNA BEACH, CA - Following announcements of his company's intentions to patent its software technologies, Shiny Entertainment president Dave Perry recently disclosed his personal plan to patent himself. In a public press conference held yesterday, Perry discussed his reasons for wanting such exclusivity:

"I'm years ahead of everybody else," said Perry. "My physical and mental abilities make me far superior to every other human being. A lot of parents say that their children will develop strong, healthy bodies and intelligent minds. I already have that."

Perry's remarks enraged other members of the human race, who belittled the game developer's claims of superiority. Critics also argued that his acquisition of a self-patent would prevent other homo sapiens from possessing similar attributes.

"That's silly," retorted Perry. "Patenting for me is only a means to state that I got everything right first. It is not some ridiculous 'nobody can be as great as me' claim. All I am doing is controlling the illegal copying of my magnificence, as it is something I am very proud of."

Despite the overwhelming opposition, Perry is determined to fulfill his desire for a self-patent. If approved, the patent would make him the only legal Dave PerryTM on Earth.