Quakeweek
August 25, 1997


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morbid Adds 'Pretty Colors' to GLQuake

id Announces New Quake 'Tamagotchis'

Carmack Saved from Microsoft 'BackOffice'

Quake 2 Hoax Revealed

id Software's SPA Membership Cancelled

Patent Infringement Claim Filed on id Software

Expose: Quake 2 Beta Conspiracy Revealed

More TCC's Announced

Quake 2's Successor Revealed

TEN Launches 'Quakeworld-Crushing' Strategies

'Quake Treatment' Used in Obedience Training


CAVE CANUM, MD (Ted) - Serving as yet another potent example of the multitude of benefits that id Software's Quake has to offer the real world, Nao Stai, joint owner of Sitton-Stai Canine Obedience School, announced a dramatic and revolutionary change in the way they will train their customer's dogs.

"Our new obedience system is going to change the dog-training industry in the same way that Quake changed the multiplayer-games industry," said Nao Stai during a public press conference.

Before"Observe, if you will, a game of Quake already in progress," continued Stai as he pointed at a monitor showcasing Quake's E1M1 level. "The rottweiler on the screen has obviously violent tendencies, as it barks incessantly and responds to no verbal commands whatsoever. We receive many of these types here at Sitton-Stai. Normally, it would take weeks, sometimes months, as well as around $400 to train such a violent beast using conventional methods. But thanks to Quake, it dawned on me that I could use a much simpler method for a fraction of the cost."

AfterStai then brought in a real rottweiler, its jaws dripping with foaming saliva as it barked viciously at the audience. He then proceeded to fire two shotgun rounds into the animal, which immediately fell to the floor with a yelp and a thud.

"That's how easy it is!" he exclaimed.

Stai went on to expound the benefits of this new method. "First off, the cost of obedience school drops from hundreds of dollars to the price of two shotgun shells, with training time reduced to virtually nothing. Second, dogs trained in this method cost less to feed and respond immediately to many verbal commands including 'roll over,' 'play dead,' and 'stay.' Lastly, your neighbors will never complain about Rover's midnight barking ever again. Guaranteed."

Unfortunately, Sitton-Stai's new training method is not without its drawbacks. Several dog owners have complained about a noticeable decline in their pets' playfulness, and although they no longer fight all the way to the vet, getting them into the car is more difficult, given to an occurrence of extreme stiffness. In addition, some owners do not enjoy having to constantly bathe their dogs in embalming fluids in order to avoid 'a dreadfully bad odor.'

Still, Stai believes these are minor drawbacks to a new breakthrough in animal control. "It will soon be an accepted technique for training almost any animal," Stai predicted. "I myself have given all my pets the 'Quake Treatment,' and have been very pleased. My pets have perfect behavior, cost nothing to keep, and never get sick.

"Most of all, their new aroma keeps door-to-door AOL representatives from trying to get me to sign up. Not even a pack of lions could have done that."