Quakeweek
July 29, 1997


Archives

MNM Creations Announces the SpouseBot

id Software Scraps Quake 2 Due to Copyright Violations

Quakeguy to Star in Upcoming Barney Episode

New Client-Side Bot Discovered in Quakeworld

Quake Website 'Pirated' From Former Host

Pauly Shore Joins id

Microsoft Announces MS Gun 98

id Drops OpenGL, Embraces Direct3D

l33t d00dz Software Licenses Quake Engine

NASA Unveils MarsQuake
Exclusive LAN Party for 'L33t' Gamers Only


The island of AlcatrazSAN FRANCISCO, CA (Siren) - Not to be outdone by great LAN parties such as M3 and The Fray, a small group of anonymous sponsors have put together the ultimate in LAN party experiences. For a nominal fee, 'l33t' Quakers will be flown into San Francisco and ferried out to the island of Alcatraz, where only the 'k3wl357 d00d5' will partake in the great deathmatch extravaganza known as A1.

"It's the greatest in Quaking experiences," stated one of the party sponsors (name withheld). "You get the chance you've always wanted: to play Quake with your fellow, uh, l33t d00d5, all day and all night with NO interruptions. What more could you ask for?"

Quake LogoWhat is unique about this particular LAN party is that it is an exclusive event. To ensure that only the cream of the crop attend A1, invitations have been sent out to industry figures such as Bill Gates, Steve Case, and the president of MPlayer, as well as several hundred 'famous' Quakers on America Online and Undernet IRC. Only these fortunate people will be able to enter A1.

In fact, A1 is so exclusive that even the most prominent members of the Quake community were not invited to this incredible event:

"Um, Mrs. Blue said I couldn't go. Yeah, that's it," remarked Blue of Blue's News.

"Well, y'know, I just can't compare to k3wl people like those MPlayer guys," commented Onethumb of best.com.

"Dammit, I guess I'm just not *snicker* l33t enough," lamented Fragmaster of PlanetQuake.

When asked how the sponsors were able to get the National Parks Service, the current owners of Alcatraz, to allow them to hold their bash on the island, the sponsors were quick to point out that many of the Parks and Recreation Service personnel stationed on Alcatraz play Quake until all hours of the night.

"Oh, they're regulars on Quakeworld," commented the anonymous sponsor. "In fact, they even helped us with the invitation list. If anyone would know which morons people to invite to A1, they would."

As this article goes to print, Alcatraz's electrical systems are already being repaired for the demanding power requirements of A1. Strangely, most of the rooms have been set up to provide power for appliances that use over 20 million volts of electricity.