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Quake For Convicts![]() "It's all about humane treatment," said Superintendent Gilbert Walters. "Fast Internet gaming is the very least we can give our murderers, rapists, child molesters and serial killers." Quakeworld access is the latest amenity granted to Mercer's prisoners, following Pentium MMX computers, cellular phones, and fax machines. Many inmates are overjoyed with their new privilege, despite brawls between prison clans and the occasional hazing of people accused of camping. In fact, some have become so attached to Quake that they are reluctant to leave Mercer when they finish their terms. "Ain't no way I'm gonna give up a low ping for a nagging wife and two screaming kids!" said Eric Coleman, who was originally sentenced to six months. Coleman knifed the assistant warden in the back the other day and is now happily imprisoned for life. News of the prison's new gaming facilities is already having a significant impact on Penn's youth: "I'm cancelling my university applications and robbing a bank," says Mark Sanders, age 18. "The only reason I wanted to go to college in the first place was to get faster net.access!" "Three strikes and I'm in!" says Eric Smythe, age 16. "I can't wait till I'm old enough to go to jail!" says Joshua Winters, age 9. |
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